So today marks the day that my beautiful Lola turns 13…. a teenager. This year also marks her 10 year anniversary. I did not know what to say in March… I couldn’t even bring myself to write a blog post. I am still at a loss for words now.
Ten years on and the pain has some how numbed. In ten years I have been busy bringing up my other 3 daughters, and I know this is what has dragged me through. I can not even comprehend what I would have done without her precious sisters. Life keeps on going even if we are not ready for it too, and it is the day to day business of life that helps with grief because it is a distraction if nothing else.
It distracts you from the burning pain in your heart, it pushes you through the darker days…. The school run makes you get up and shower instead of wanting to pull that duvet over your head as if it might some how shield you from the pain that you feel every time you wake up and see Her beautiful face staring back at you from the photographer across the room. It’s coffee and work that keeps you occupied through each and every week day. It’s the laughter and craziness you see from your surviving children that brings a smile to your face. It’s the person holding you tight through out the tight that keeps the tears away when your silent in your bed. It is rare,because of all of the above, that you allow yourself to have that moment/ day, when you close your eyes and remember
That morning, that hospital bed, that ambulance drive to London and finally the day that the machine was turned to silent and the tears fell as you held you most Precious Child in your arms as she took her final breaths….. On these days it is hard to do almost anything because you are physically crippled with the pain as you relive those moments.
Sometimes I am astounded that I survived, yet here I am on this Lola’s 13th Birthday wondering what flowers to take to the cemetery. I should be preparing to be descended on by a gang of 13 year old for after school fun, worrying about the lack of funds in my bank account because as usual I’ve gone a bit OTT with her gifts, I should be worrying about how many Domino’s pizzas to order and just generally preparing for her beautiful 13 year old face to work through the door! The reality of this NEVER happening is quite honestly heart breaking.